How to Get Over a Break-Up, According to Experts (2023)

Breaking up is hard to do, and handling the frenzy of complicated emotions that come with it can be rough. As much as you’d like to snap your fingers and be over the heartbreak, getting over a split — whether a first love or a lengthy situationship — usually takes time.

“Because we are wired as humans for connection, losing someone to a break-up can feel devastating, like losing a part of yourself,” Dr. Naomi Torres-Mackie, licensed clinical psychologist at Lenox Hill Hospital in New York City and Head of Research at The Mental Health Coalition, explains. It’s normal to feel rejected, confused, and angry. Even if you initiated the split, it’s okay to feel upset, emotionally exhausted, and sad that you couldn’t make the relationship work.

“When we form a romantic relationship with someone, we invest time, energy, and emotions into building that connection,” Dr. Sanam Hafeez, neuropsychologist and Director of Comprehend the Mind in New York City, adds. “When that relationship ends, it can feel like a part of us is lost. Even if you were the one who decided to end the relationship, it's natural to feel sadness, grief, and even regret as you adjust to the changes in your life.”

Unfortunately, there’s no set timeline for getting over a break-up, or way to speed it up. “Break-ups can feel like grief, and just like grief, the healing process is not linear,” Dr. Torres-Mackie explains. There are steps to closure, and yes, that might include sad movie marathons, Taylor Swift break-up anthems on repeat, and countless sleepovers with your besties. But these expert-approved tips can help you build back your self-esteem, reconnect with the things and people you love, and eventually, move on. Below, Dr. Torres-Mackie and Dr. Hafeez break down exactly how to get over a break-up, and one day say, “thank u, next.”

Let yourself feel all the emotions

Don’t bottle your feelings up. A break-up hurts, and it’s important to acknowledge the pain, let yourself get into your feels, and know that with time, it will pass. “Being upset after a breakup is natural,” Dr. Hafeez explains. “Allow yourself time to feel these emotions and express them in a healthy way, such as talking to a friend or writing in a journal.” Let off steam in a workout class, go on walks, blast break-up anthems, or watch Someone Great and Legally Blonde over and over again. It’s all part of the healing process.

Be patient with yourself

As bad as these feelings can feel, don’t try to rush the process. It might be days, weeks, or even a couple of months until you feel completely yourself again, and that’s totally normal. “After a breakup, try to avoid self-judgment about how long you are still in your feelings about it,” Dr. Torres-Mackie advises. “Healing is an individual process. It takes as long as it takes, and that’s ok.”

Spend time with fam and friends

After a break-up, it’s so important to surround yourself with your own personal fan club. Your family and friends love and support you, and are there to watch movies, grab brunch, talk through your feelings, and cry with. You’ll probably find that it’s a lot easier to laugh, smile, and process your emotions with your besties by your side. Spending time with people who love you will help you feel less lonely and remind you that you still have important people in your life who care about you.

Keep busy

Yes, give yourself time to wallow, but try to keep yourself (and your mind) occupied with other interests and activities. “Find activities you enjoy, such as hobbies or volunteering, to keep yourself occupied and distracted from negative thoughts,” Dr. Hafeez suggests.

You might return to a hobby that you didn’t have much time or energy for when you were with your ex. Maybe it’s time to finally do that closet clean-out you’ve been meaning to get to for months, or make a dent in your TBR list. You could join a sports team, sign up for a new workout class, or finally start that TikTok account you’ve been talking about.

Try something new

Starting a completely unfamiliar activity or hobby momentarily distracts you from any negative thoughts or emotions. “This can help you expand your horizons and give you a sense of purpose and excitement,” Dr. Hafeez explains. A break-up might even be the perfect time to finally book that weekend trip with your besties and travel somewhere you’ve never been.

Avoid the temptation to check their social media

It might feel impossible at first, but don’t keep tabs on your ex’s social media. Yes, you might want to know how they’re feeling or coping with the break-up, but constantly checking their TikTok or Insta won’t help you get over them.

“This can be a tempting behavior but can also trigger painful emotions and prevent you from moving on,” Dr. Hafeez explains.

To help, you could unfollow or block your ex (even temporarily) or quiet their posts. “Digital disconnection [might be] helpful when you are unable to resist your urges to engage with them online in a way you later regret, your ex communicates with you in a hurtful way, or a clean break would help your healing process,” Dr. Torres-Mackie says. But, as Dr. Hafeez points out, this measure might not be necessary if the break-up was amicable or if it seems too drastic.

Do a social media detox

This could be a good time to press pause on all social media. Logging off — and maybe even shutting your phone down for a night or two — gives you the opportunity to clear your head, focus on the things that make you feel better, and reconnect with people IRL. Plus, there’s less of a chance that you’ll see your ex pop on your mutual friend’s Insta post or story.

Practice gratitude

“Reflect on what you're grateful for, such as supportive friends and family, a job you enjoy, or a comfortable home,” Dr. Hafeez says. You might do this through meditation, journaling, or talking to loved ones.

Break-ups bring up lots of negative emotions and feelings of loss and abandonment, Dr. Torres-Mackie explains. Reflecting on all the good things in your life can help you feel less alone and heal.

Write your ex a letter — but don’t send it

A helpful step in processing your emotions is writing it all down. Your thoughts may feel discombobulating or overwhelming up there in your head, so put pen to paper. “It can be helpful to work through any unresolved issues from the relationship,” Dr. Hafeez says.

The intention isn’t to send this letter, but to let it all out. But if you give it some time and still feel a strong need to share your note, then you could ask your ex to have a conversation to address any lingering feelings or concerns.

Prioritize self-care

“When a breakup is fresh, take time for yourself so that you can heal,” Dr. Torres-Mackie suggests. “Remember your self-worth is not tied up in whether someone wants to date you.”

This is a good time to focus on taking care of yourself. Schedule a spa day, watch your comfort movies, read your favorite books, or hang out with your friends. And try to get plenty of sleep, move your body each day, and even get outside and get some fresh air if you can. “Engage in healthy, distracting activities that feel good for your mind, body, and soul,” Dr. Torres-Mackie adds.

How to Get Over a Break-Up, According to Experts (1)

How to Get Over a Break-Up, According to Experts (2)

Leah Campano

Associate Editor

Leah Campano is an Associate Editor at Seventeen, where she covers pop culture, entertainment news, health, and politics. On the weekends, you can probably find her watching marathons of vintage Real Housewives episodes or searching for New York City’s best almond croissants.

FAQs

How to Get Over a Break-Up, According to Experts? ›

The death of a future you imagined for yourself with your ex, one that you probably imagined together, can be one of the most difficult things to come to terms with after a break-up. It makes your present that much harder to get through (see above). It's OK to mourn and grieve the loss of that future.

How to get over a breakup according to relationship experts? ›

  1. Rebuild your self-esteem. ...
  2. Focus on your positive qualities. ...
  3. Try new places. ...
  4. Lean on your network. ...
  5. Avoid going after a rebound. ...
  6. Don't get bangs. ...
  7. Take a (realistic) walk down memory lane. ...
  8. Write down all of their negative qualities.
Nov 29, 2022

How do I get over a break up completely? ›

Some things to help you after a break up:
  1. Give yourself some space. ...
  2. Keep busy. ...
  3. Take time out for you. ...
  4. Talk to family, friends, Elders and others who can support you. ...
  5. Try not to use alcohol and other drugs to deal with the pain. ...
  6. Give it time. ...
  7. Try to look after yourself.

How do you deal with a breakup when you still love them? ›

5 Ways to Move on From an Ex You Still Love
  1. Cut off all communication (Both direct and indirect) For the sake of your physical and mental health, this is the first thing you've got to do. ...
  2. Forgive the past. ...
  3. Let's get real. ...
  4. Understand that it's natural to still love your ex. ...
  5. Don't forget to love you.
Jun 21, 2021

How do you get over a breakup when nothing is wrong? ›

How to Get Over an Unexpected Breakup and Move On
  1. Let yourself feel the grief. ...
  2. Don't contact them. ...
  3. Accept their decision. ...
  4. Unfollow them, FFS. ...
  5. Focus on yourself. ...
  6. Move on at your own pace. ...
  7. Prepare yourself for them to move on, too. ...
  8. Know that one day it won't hurt anymore.
Oct 5, 2022

What is the hardest stage of a breakup? ›

The death of a future you imagined for yourself with your ex, one that you probably imagined together, can be one of the most difficult things to come to terms with after a break-up. It makes your present that much harder to get through (see above). It's OK to mourn and grieve the loss of that future.

Why is silence so powerful after a breakup? ›

Staying silent can also help you feel empowered. You're taking charge and showing your ex that you're capable of and willing to live life without them. Whether you're the one who was hurt or the one who ended it, cutting off communication after a breakup puts you in control.

How long does the average breakup last? ›

When looking at the timeline of breakups, many sites refer to a “study” that's actually a consumer poll a market research company conducted on behalf of Yelp. The poll's results suggest it takes an average of about 3.5 months to heal, while recovering after divorce might take closer to 1.5 years, if not longer.

How long to be ok after a breakup? ›

Studies suggest that most people start to feel better around three months post-breakup. One study, which evaluated 155 undergraduates who'd been through breakups in the last six months, found that 71 percent start to feel significantly better around the 11-week mark, or around three months.

Does space help a broken relationship? ›

In short: yes — as long as both people in the relationship want it to. “Space can heal a relationship,” explains Jason Polk, a licensed clinical social worker and couples therapist in Denver, Colorado, “especially if the couple is currently toxic or verbally abusive to each other.”

Does true love fade after breakup? ›

Passionate Love Fades, But Companionate Love Endures

Lieberman says. "Companionate love, the kind of love that established couples feel, generally grows with time. But some people think that once the dopaminergic thrill of passionate love is gone, the relationship is over. It doesn't have to be."

How do I accept the relationship is over? ›

How to accept your relationship is ending: 11 effective tips
  1. Allow yourself to grieve. So, how to get over someone you can't be with? ...
  2. Share your feelings. ...
  3. Stay productive. ...
  4. Write about it. ...
  5. Amp up the self-care. ...
  6. Make new routines. ...
  7. A closure ritual.
Apr 29, 2022

Can someone still love you if they break up with you? ›

Some exes, after a breakup, find out they are still in love with each other and can't do without one another. In such cases, if both parties are willing to put in the work, seek help, and take the right steps, there is a possibility that the relationship may work.

What makes a man miss a woman after a breakup? ›

Loneliness is what makes a man miss a woman after a breakup. When a man misses you, they will crave the cuddles and the emotional stability and always having someone to do things with. Naturally, they will miss you when this happens. Guys will miss the security and sexual intimacy that they shared with you.

How do you let go of someone who doesn't want you? ›

How to let go of someone
  1. Recognize when it's time. Learning when it's time to let go is often the most difficult part of this process. ...
  2. Identify limiting beliefs. ...
  3. Change your story. ...
  4. Stop the blame game. ...
  5. Embrace the “F” word. ...
  6. Master your emotions. ...
  7. Practice empathy. ...
  8. Adopt an attitude of gratitude.

How do you move on when you still love him? ›

These tips can help you start the process of moving forward.
  1. Acknowledge the truth of the situation. ...
  2. Identify relationship needs — and deal breakers. ...
  3. Accept what the love meant to you. ...
  4. Look to the future. ...
  5. Prioritize other relationships. ...
  6. Spend time on yourself. ...
  7. Give yourself space. ...
  8. Understand it may take some time.
Jan 14, 2020

Who hurts first after a breakup? ›

In terms of physical pain, women averaged 4.21 versus men's 3.75. While breakups hit women the hardest emotionally and physically, women tend to recover more fully and come out emotionally stronger. Men, on the other hand, never full recover -- they simply move on.

What is the 72 hour rule after a breakup? ›

Whenever something tends to upset you or someone's actions or words infuriate you, wait for 72 hours before showing your emotions. In simpler words, hold back your immediate reaction and give yourself 72 hours before coming down to any conclusion.

Who takes breakups the hardest? ›

Do men, particularly heterosexual men, experience something similar when they go through a breakup? Several studies—both large and small—suggest they have a tougher time than women do when a romantic relationship ends.

How long should no contact last? ›

The no-contact rule refers to cutting off all contact with an ex following a breakup, and it's the best method for moving on from an ex. No contact should last for a minimum of 60 days, and it includes no texting, no calling, and no interacting on social media.

Do dumpers stalk their ex? ›

Yep. They sure do! Sometimes after the time alone the dumper starts to miss said ex. Sure maybe at the time when you two had broken up, the dumper initially feels relieved and care free, but over time the dumper starts realizing what they no longer have and that nobody can replace it.

What is the 3 months rule after breakup? ›

Three-Month Rule: After a Break-Up

Basically, after a break-up, the three-month rule is a rule that says you and your ex are both given 3 months before entering the dating scene again. Just waiting it out, and mourning that your relationship ended. Just go on with your individual separate lives and see what happens.

What is the 6 month rule after breakup? ›

“I try and go by the 6-month rule, which says that for most of us to fully heal, it usually takes around 6 months for every year we are with someone,” Peacock says. For example: If you were with someone for 1 year, it would take 6 months to get over the breakup.

What is the psychology of a woman after a breakup? ›

Female psychology after a breakup has shown that women tend to have a more intense emotional response after a breakup when compared to men. She is likely to experience significant grief during this time of no contact. She will also have countless thoughts wandering through her mind.

Does the person who breaks up hurt? ›

Being broken up with can lead to feelings of hurt and rejection. Even if the breakup is mutual, it's still natural to struggle with difficult feelings, like anger or depression, at least for a while. As painful as the decision can be, there are healthy ways to deal with a breakup and get over a breakup.

How long does the worst part of a breakup last? ›

How long heartbreak lasts. After six weeks most people start to adjust to life without their ex, says Durvasula. “It could be a lot quicker, but typically it's not much longer,” she says. “I tell my clients all the time: Give everything six weeks before you think you are not coping well.”

What is the 3 day rule after an argument? ›

The 3 day rule after argument is a common practice in relationships where individuals agree to take a 3 day relationship break from each other after a heated disagreement. During this time, both parties cool off, reflect on their feelings/thoughts, and avoid communication with each other.

How much time apart is too much? ›

Coan advises every couple to adhere to the 70/30 rule: For the happiest, most harmonious relationship, the pro suggests spending 70% of time together, and 30% apart. That gives each of you enough freedom to explore your own interests while still being rooted and invested in your relationship.

What is stonewalling in a relationship? ›

What does it mean to stonewall someone? In simple terms, stonewalling is when someone completely shuts down in a conversation or is refusing to communicate with another person.

How do you know if a breakup is permanent? ›

19 Unmistakable Signs Your Breakup Is Final
  1. You Are No Longer Physically Attracted to Your Ex. ...
  2. The Emotional Connection Is Gone. ...
  3. You Feel Better About Yourself Without Your Ex. ...
  4. You Don't Trust Each Other Anymore. ...
  5. Your Values and Goals in Life No Longer Match. ...
  6. You or Your Ex Has Moved On With Someone Else.

Does real love always come back? ›

Genuine love is profound—it does not come and go every now and then; it is something that is likely to last over time. This does not mean that love cannot fade away, but even when it does, it leaves some scars, or rather potential feelings that can flourish if and when the environment is conducive.

Can lost feelings come back? ›

If you're in this position right now and are unsure if you want to continue the relationship, it's important to remember that relationships can go through many different phases. Just because you have lost feelings right now, doesn't mean that you can't ever get them back.

How do you accept he doesn't want you anymore? ›

8 steps to stop loving someone who doesn't love you (once and for...
  1. Realize that he doesn't love you anymore. The hardest step is realizing that he doesn't love you anymore. ...
  2. Reflect on your needs. ...
  3. Be an individual. ...
  4. Love yourself first. ...
  5. Strengthen your beauty and inner peace. ...
  6. Eliminate hope. ...
  7. Be strong. ...
  8. Fall back in love.
Aug 2, 2017

How do you accept that he is gone? ›

Acknowledge your feelings and come to terms with them. Relax, engage in some self-care, and try to spend time with the people who care about you. It's going to take time, but the more you force yourself to go about your regular schedule, the easier it will be to return to normalcy. Thanks!

How do you accept someone leaving you? ›

25 ways to deal when the one you love leaves you
  1. Take some time to grieve. ...
  2. Tell yourself you can do it. ...
  3. Assign time to do specific things all-day. ...
  4. Talk to someone else you trust. ...
  5. Removing all reminders. ...
  6. Make self-care a big part of your life now. ...
  7. Commit that you wouldn't turn to addictions to numb the pain.
Jan 31, 2022

What are signs of true love? ›

You can usually recognize real love by these 12 signs.
  • You feel safe with them. ...
  • They listen. ...
  • They acknowledge your differences instead of trying to change you. ...
  • You can communicate easily. ...
  • They encourage you to do your own thing. ...
  • You trust each other. ...
  • They make an effort. ...
  • You know you can collaborate or compromise.
Oct 28, 2020

Can a guy who loves you break up with you? ›

Yes, it is okay to break up with someone you still love. There are a multitude of reasons that a relationship may no longer be working, even if you and your partner care deeply for each other.

Can relationships work after a breakup? ›

Many couples who have called it quits end up getting back together. In fact, a 2013 study found that over one third of couples who live together and one fifth of married couples have experienced a breakup and gotten back together.

How do guys usually act after a breakup? ›

Men usually have a big ego that's suppressed in the relationship for most of the time, but when it's all over, their ego bursts up. They retreat into their own world and take their time understanding several aspects of the breakup. They are usually very irritated and frustrated during this time.

Does silence make a man miss you? ›

The simple answer to the above questions is yes. When you walk away and make him miss you, it's typical for a man to come back to you. The power of silence after a breakup is highly effective in making your partner come back. To start with, going silent after a breakup is a sign of confidence and self-esteem.

How do you know if a man is heartbroken? ›

If he avoids seeing you at all costs even though it is important, it is one of the signs he is heartbroken over you. He knows that when he sees you, the memories will come flooding, and it might be too much for him to handle. Also, he would ensure avoiding places where you are likely to show up.

How do you detach from someone you love deeply? ›

How to let go of someone you love
  1. Identify the reason. Ask yourself why you're now deciding to detach from the relationship. ...
  2. Release your emotions. ...
  3. Don't react, respond. ...
  4. Start small. ...
  5. Keep a journal. ...
  6. Meditate. ...
  7. Be patient with yourself. ...
  8. Look forward.
Aug 20, 2021

Why do I hold on to someone who doesn't want me? ›

For many people who are holding onto someone who doesn't love them, they are doing so because they are scared. They are scared of how their person will react if they leave. They are scared of the words of anger, that they might hear. They are afraid things might get physical.

How do you say goodbye to someone you love but can't be with? ›

  1. Don't be evasive. ...
  2. Tell them that you have no hard feelings. ...
  3. Put away the social media reminders. ...
  4. Don't get angry at them. ...
  5. Embrace the reality of it. ...
  6. Be as firm as you can. ...
  7. Don't make empty promises. ...
  8. Forgive them wholeheartedly.
Aug 13, 2021

How do I move on from him completely? ›

7 Tips for Coping When a Relationship Ends
  1. Keep Taking Care of Yourself. ...
  2. Write a Letter to Your Ex. ...
  3. Surround Yourself With People You Love. ...
  4. Expect Healing to Take Time. ...
  5. Feel the Feelings. ...
  6. Do Something Kind for Someone Else. ...
  7. Seek Professional Help.
Feb 8, 2023

What are the 5 stages of a relationship breakup? ›

They are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, according to Mental-Health-Matters.

How long does it take to get over a breakup in a serious relationship? ›

The poll's results suggest it takes an average of about 3.5 months to heal, while recovering after divorce might take closer to 1.5 years, if not longer.

Who statistically gets over breakup faster? ›

The research found that while breakups hit women the hardest emotionally and physically, they recovered more fully and even came out emotionally stronger. Men, on the other hand, never fully recover — they simply move on or shut down completely.

Can a relationship go back to normal after a breakup? ›

Many couples who have called it quits end up getting back together. In fact, a 2013 study found that over one third of couples who live together and one fifth of married couples have experienced a breakup and gotten back together.

What is the shock stage of breakup? ›

The shock of a breakup usually settles in immediately after the break-up. It's raw, emotional, and can feel physically painful, like a persistent knot in your stomach. There's nothing that can prepare you for the jittery-yet-numb feeling of it actually being over. Past memories may flash across your mind.

What stage do most couples break up? ›

The most common time for a couple to split is right around the two year mark. By then, you've most likely seen everything about your partner—their best and their worst physically and emotionally.

Is 3 months too soon after a breakup? ›

"Most people need a month or two to process the breakup, to mourn, and to integrate lessons before jumping back in if they were in a fairly serious relationship," she says. If you dated someone for a year or more, you may need three to four months.

How do you accept a relationship is over? ›

How to accept your relationship is ending: 11 effective tips
  1. Allow yourself to grieve. So, how to get over someone you can't be with? ...
  2. Share your feelings. ...
  3. Stay productive. ...
  4. Write about it. ...
  5. Amp up the self-care. ...
  6. Make new routines. ...
  7. A closure ritual.
Apr 29, 2022

Who loses more in a breakup? ›

In terms of physical pain, women averaged 4.21 versus men's 3.75. While breakups hit women the hardest emotionally and physically, women tend to recover more fully and come out emotionally stronger. Men, on the other hand, never full recover -- they simply move on.

Does the dumpee move on faster? ›

The dumpee can move on quicker because they had no choice in the matter. The dumper will always wonder if they made the right decision AND carry the guilt of hurting someone.

How do you know if your relationship is beyond repair? ›

What does real trouble look like?
  • There's no emotional connection. ...
  • Communication breakdown. ...
  • Aggressive or confrontational communication. ...
  • There's no appeal to physical intimacy. ...
  • You don't trust them. ...
  • Fantasising about others. ...
  • You're not supporting each other and have different goals. ...
  • You can't imagine a future together.

What are the odds of reconciliation after a break up? ›

According to much research, about 40 to 50 percent of couples get back together after a breakup. While this is positive, many factors determine the chances of getting back together after a breakup. To begin with, most people get back together with their ex because they still harbor some feelings for them.

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